**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
