Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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