omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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