Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
