Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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