shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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