Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
