My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
