you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
