i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
They took my balls.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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