Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
