My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Randomize
