Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
