WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
