What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
