Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
