I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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