I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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