have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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