you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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