My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
