Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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