I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I had to cum in my sink.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
