Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
