at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
