i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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