You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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