dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
