So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
