I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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