upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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