He uses pillows to masturbate.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
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