i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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