there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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