just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
