I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
