Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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