The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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