Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
