so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
