My sheets look like a crime scene.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
