oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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