The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
