If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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