sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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