my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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