first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
