I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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