"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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