party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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