How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
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